The Myth of the Perfect Mother: How to Break Free from Perfectionist Parenting
Moms today don’t have it easy. On one hand, there are so many resources available to us that we label as “support” - mom groups, mom friends, mommy bloggers, mom-fluencers, parenting books, you name it. It can be so helpful to have sounding boards to vent to about your parenting woes, or “experts” to turn to provide guidance when we’re ready to pull our hair out from frustration and confusion. But sometimes, all of these voices can turn into a cacophony of noise - so many opinions on how you “should” be parenting, what milestones your child “should” be reaching and what a good mom “should” be capable of. For people who are already prone to perfectionist thinking, these voices can feel like so much pressure to do it “right”. We can put so much pressure on ourselves as moms, feeling like every choice we make holds the key to our kids being successful, well-rounded and adaptable. And if we make a mistake, we worry that our child will end up unhappy, alone or depressed. Perfectionist parents have the best of intentions - we love our kids so much, we just want to give them the best life possible! A lot of times, perfectionism works for us, until it doesn’t. Parenting is messy, confusing, and not at all straightforward. Expecting “perfection” in parenting is so unrealistic that it usually ends up getting in the way of being able to be present and connected to your kids, which is ironically the opposite of what most perfectionist parents want.
What is Perfectionist Parenting?
Wanting to be a good parent is so natural - most people who have children go into their parenting journeys wanting to be a “good” parent. Perfectionism is different. Perfectionist parents are preoccupied with doing everything the “right” way. They tend to see things in an “all-or-nothing” dichotomy, and if it doesn’t fit into the narrow box of the “right” choice or “right” way to parent, then they feel like they are failing. Perfectionist mothers often feel not good enough the way they are now, and that they always need to be improving and doing more to be a “good enough” mom. They tend to struggle with comparison and feelings of inadequacy - if they see another mom sending their kid to school with “perfectly” balanced lunches, or throwing the “perfect” birthday party for their child, they feel like they need to do the same, or they’re a “bad mom” if they can’t. They often hold not only such strict expectations for themselves, but for their children too. While perfectionist parents usually have the best of intentions, it often leaves their kids feeling never able to measure up, leading to intense anxiety, fear of failure or poor self-esteem.
Signs you might be a perfectionist parent:
You struggle to enjoy the present and are always planning for the next thing
You beat yourself up if you make any mistakes, thinking things like “this will ruin my child forever” or “I”m a terrible mother”
You have a harsh inner dialogue and are constantly judging yourself
You struggle with your child having independence, and worry that they’ll make mistakes without your guidance
You compare yourself to other parents often (in your life or on social media), and as a result feel inadequate
You try to control your child’s life with over-scheduling and over-planning, and justify it by saying things like “I love them so much, I just want the best for them!”
You feel constantly burnt out and overwhelmed, but try desperately to hide it from others
You tend to categorize things into boxes like “perfect” vs “failure”
You may even put some of this same pressure on your child, struggling to handle it when they have a hard time or make mistakes, because it feels like a reflection on you
You feel anxious or depressed from all of this pressure
The Pressure to be the Perfect Mother (And Why it’s Not Possible)
Moms today can feel like they are constantly getting hit over the head with messages about what they need to be doing to be the “perfect mother”. Between social media, celebrity mom-fluencers, cultural expectations and unsolicited advice from family and friends, it is impossible to meet everyone else’s standards for the “right” way to parent. Sometimes even well-meaning teachers and pediatricians can make you feel as though you’re doing something wrong, with developmental milestones and academic achievement being tracked like never before. At the end of the day, parenting is a personal journey and we all bring our own values and priorities into our parenting style with our children. Amidst all this 21st century noise, it can sometimes be hard to remember that.
Today’s mothers are expected to wear so many hats - oftentimes to excel professionally, run a household and stay in shape, all while caring for the physical and emotional needs of our families. Doing it “perfectly” just isn’t possible. And there is no one-size-fits-all approach for how to parent. Every family has different values and needs, and what approach works for one family might be a terrible fit for another. As moms, we need to reconnect to our bodies and trust our guts when it comes to what choices are right for each of us and our family systems.
The Down Sides of Perfectionist Parenting
When we’re thinking about our relationship to perfectionism, it’s important to remember that putting pressure on ourselves and our children to be “perfect” is often at odds with what most of us want out of parenthood - to feel connected to our children and for them to grow up feeling confident in themselves. Perfectionism often originates in childhood - maybe you can relate to having a parent who had unrelenting high standards, which you then internalized for yourself. Think about how that made you feel as a kid - do you want your own kids to experience those feelings of inadequacy, shame and never feeling enough? Children don’t respond well to rigid expectations - they lack emotional control and understanding, and it’s developmentally appropriate for them to be constantly testing our boundaries. Being able to make their own choices is a sign of independence and strength. Perfectionists may struggle to embrace this parent of parenting. The good news is, breaking free from perfectionism in parenting is possible.
How to Overcome Perfectionist Parenting
Here are some tips for overcoming perfectionism as a parent:
Set realistic goals for yourself and your kids
When you’re setting goals for yourself and your family, try to think about what is realistic for you (and them!) based on the strengths and challenges each of you have, rather than what you see others doing or what you feel like you “should” be able to do. Pay attention to when you start to feel overwhelmed, and figure out how to adapt accordingly. It’s ok for plans to change! Being adaptable is a strength, not a failure.
Practice self compassion and cut yourself some slack!
Be mindful of that inner critic and try to work on distancing yourself from those thoughts. Sometimes it can be helpful to point out to yourself “here goes those judging thoughts again!” to remind yourself that they are just thoughts and not reflective of reality. Practicing compassion for yourself is also modeling the same for your children - they will mirror what they see you doing. If they see you holding yourself to impossible standards and putting yourself down, they’ll start to do the same.
Be mindful of social media intake and try to refrain from comparison
Social media can be great for helping us feel inspired and connected to others. But sometimes our brain can focus on the ways in which we’re not measuring up instead of the things we have in common, and this can make us feel really lonely and inadequate instead. Be mindful of your social media use and notice how it makes you feel. Modifying which accounts you follow, setting time limits or taking social media breaks can be really helpful for your mental health as a mom.
Celebrate the small wins
Perfectionists feel like they always need to be planning for the future to be “prepared” and reduce the likelihood of making mistakes. The downside is, this keeps your brain from enjoying being in the present. Practicing present-moment awareness through mindfulness techniques can be really helpful for forcing your brain to get out of perfectionist thinking traps.
Focus on connection over perfection
Instead of using the metric of success as “perfect vs failure”, try to reframe and ask yourself things like “are we enjoying ourselves?” “Do I feel connected to my kids?” “Am I making them feel safe, secure and loved?” The answers to these questions aren’t always going to be “yes”! But if this is the mindset you’re approaching parenting from, you’re allowing yourself and your kids a lot more flexibility and creating more opportunities for everyone to feel good about themselves. This is what helps kids grow into secure, well-rounded adults.
Therapy for Perfectionism Can Help
Another tool that can be crucial to addressing your perfectionism as a parent is therapy. Therapy for perfectionism can help you get to the root cause of your perfectionism, identify where it comes from and how it has become intertwined with your identity. Therapy can help you to learn strategies to change your relationship to self-critical and judging thoughts so that they have less power over you. You can learn tools to have compassion for yourself, and feel more comfortable with things in life existing in the “gray” area. You can learn to try new things without feeling paralyzed by the fear of failure. And most importantly as a parent, you can learn to show grace for not only your own mistakes, but those of your children, and model self-love and compassion for them to help them build confidence as they grow. Therapy can help you to be more present in your life, make more space for joyful moments of connection with your family and focus on what really matters most to you.
Counseling for Mothers in Denver
Root to Rise Therapy specializes in therapy for perfectionism and well as counseling for mothers in Denver. With a trained therapist for perfectionism, you can work to address the unique ways in which your perfectionism intersects with your identity as a mother. Reach out for a free consultation to explore how therapy can help you heal.
Other Services at Root to Rise Therapy:
Other mental health services at Root to Rise Therapy include Therapy for Anxiety, Therapy for Perfectionism, Therapy for People-Pleasing,Cultural Identity Counseling, ADHD Therapy, Counseling for Moms and Postpartum Counseling. I see clients located in Colorado, New York and New Jersey. Contact me to learn more about how I can help you overcome anxiety and reclaim your life!
