People-Pleasing

Therapy for People-Pleasing in Denver

Are you a high-achieving woman who struggles with people-pleasing?

Lately you’ve been having a hard time being yourself with your friends, worrying that if you are honest about what you really need, they’ll think you are too difficult or high-maintenance. Maybe you struggle with saying “no” in relationships, and then feel resentful afterwards.  When others get mad at you, you decide not to speak up for yourself, feeling like it’s probably your fault anyway. You worry about what everyone in your life thinks of you, and are afraid of disappointing them or letting them down. Sometimes you find yourself being taken advantage of for being too accommodating; people in your life just figure you’ll go along with anything. And the idea of someone not “liking” you feels like your greatest fear.

You’ve been doing this for a long time, and it’s starting to feel exhausting.

The resentment is creeping into your relationships, and you really want to have people in your life who value and respect you.

You keep telling yourself you’re going to change, but as soon as you think about it the fear feels paralyzing, and you fall back into your old ways.

You don’t have to let this fear of saying “no” rule your life. Therapy for people-pleasing can help.

What is People-pleasing?

People-pleasers are people who tend towards sacrificing their own needs to try and make others around them happy.  As a people-pleaser, you may experience an intense sense of anxiety if you feel that others in your life are angry, upset or disappointed with you.  Being well-liked can feel like the most important goal at all times.  Wanting to avoid this anxiety can lead you to hyperfocus on what other people want and expect of you, often losing touch with your own values and desires.  Just like perfectionism, there is a lot of social reinforcement for people-pleasing behaviors:  people may frequently compliment you on how easy-going or agreeable you are, you are generally well-liked and can get along with lots of different types of people.  However, on the inside you may experience intense resentment for not having your needs met in relationships, or struggle to connect to what you really want out of life at all.  A lot of times this will work for you until it doesn’t:  the resentment builds into explosive outbursts or passive-aggressive behavior, or you start to feel increasingly anxious or depressed once you realize it’s impossible to make everyone happy all the time.  You are not alone in this - women tend to be conditioned from childhood to engage in more people-pleasing behaviors, due to traditional gender roles that value caretaking and subservience.  Luckily, healing from people-pleasing is possible, and therapy can help.  


Signs of people-pleasing can look like:

  • Experiencing intense anxiety when you believe others in your life are angry, upset or disappointed in you

  • Finding yourself frequently scanning for cues as to whether others in your life are upset with you, so that it feels hard to be present in the moment

  • Replaying conversations in your head over and over, beating yourself up for saying the wrong thing.  Or, re-wording emails and text messages over and over, afraid that you will come off poorly or offend the other person

  • Struggling to say no, and then feeling resentful or bitter when you commit to things that you don’t really want to do

  • Struggling to set boundaries in relationships and then feeling taken advantage of or walked-all-over

  • Tying your self-worth to approval from others, leading to frequent feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem

  • Experiencing intense anxiety and avoidance of conflict

  • Apologizing for things that aren’t your fault in an attempt to defuse tension

  • Being quick to agree to things that you aren’t really on board with

  • Makes excuses for others to accommodate generally unacceptable behavior

  • Feeling guilty for prioritizing your own needs

  • Experiencing fatigue, stress or anxiety from the constant pressure to please others and tune in to their needs

With therapy for people pleasing, you can find meaningful friendships where you can laugh together and feel respected. If you struggle with anxiety and putting your needs first, people pleasing counseling in Denver, Colorado can help.

Counseling for People-Pleasing Can Help

It’s not your fault that you feel like this - people-pleasing usually develops at some point in your life as a way to get your safety and attachment needs met in situations where there was instability, or your caregiver wasn’t able to be fully present for you.  However, as you transition to adulthood, you may recognize that this method of coping is no longer working for you.  You want to focus on what YOU want out of life and stop wasting time fixating on what everyone else wants from you.  It is your life, after all!  The good news is, counseling can help.  In therapy together, we will:

  • Help you develop coping skills and a self-care routine to calm down your nervous system and help with feelings of exhaustion and burnout, as well as make space for activities focused on taking care of yourself rather than caring for everyone else

  • Help you change your relationship to self-doubting and anxious thoughts, as well as separate your own values from those of everyone around you utilizing tools from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

  • Teach you to rethink the way you respond to conflict and rejection through mindfulness-based strategies including cultivating present-moment awareness, self-compassion and acceptance

  • Help you to better understand where your people-pleasing developed, and dig deeper to draw connections between these past experiences, unmet needs and the pressures and expectations that you put on yourself to please everyone through psychodynamic psychotherapy

  • Connect you to relevant books, articles and tools that can help you to get a deeper understanding of your condition and make progress in between sessions

Through therapy for people-pleasing, I will help you to pay more attention to your own needs instead of those of everyone around you.  You will learn to stop taking on so much so that you no longer feel burnt out.  You will begin to set boundaries without feeling guilty.  You will learn to make space for your own feelings so that resentment and bitterness don’t plague your relationships.  You will feel more confident taking initiative and making decisions in your life.  You will start to feel like “enough” for yourself. 

You don’t have to live with self-doubt, overthinking and fear.  Therapy can help you be more present in your life, find fulfilling relationships and feel confident in speaking up for what YOU want. 

Find joy in life and stay true to your values with people pleasing therapy. If you are a high achieving woman who struggles to put their needs first, counseling for people pleasing can help. Start therapy for people pleasing in Boulder, Colorado.

 People-Pleasing FAQs

  • People-pleasing is something that often originates early in life due to things like family dynamics as well as cultural and gender norms.  If you identify as a people-pleaser, you may have grown up with a family member that was intense or explosive, making you feel like it was your job to keep them calm.  In our culture, women also tend to be socialized to please and serve others from a young age. 

  • People pleasing isn’t so black and white - there are ways to show others in your life that you care about them while still staying true to your own values and needs.  Through therapy, you will learn to set boundaries and feel less guilty when you speak up for yourself. 

  • Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), including ACT can be helpful in treating people pleasing.  Through these therapies, you can learn to change unhelpful thinking patterns regarding what your “job” in your relationships is and what will happen if you don’t put others' needs first all the time. 

  • People-pleasing is connected to anxiety in that people who struggle with this behavior tend to worry or fear that if they don’t say “yes” all of the time, they will end up rejected and alone.  Therapy can help with confronting and challenging these anxieties. 

My Denver-based therapy practice specializes in treating high-achieving women dealing with anxiety, perfectionism and people-pleasing.  To start your counseling journey, follow these simple steps

Step 1

Contact Victoria

Step 2

Meet with Victoria for an intake session

Step 3

Get started on your journey towards allowing YOUR needs and values to drive you life.

Questions before getting started? Get in touch.

With therapy for people pleasers, find friendships where you feel respected and can make time for spending time in nature and other things you love. If you struggle with setting boundaries, therapy for people pleasing in Denver, Colorado can help.

Therapy for people-pleasing isn’t the only service I provide at my Denver-based therapy practice.  Other mental health services at Root to Rise Therapy include Therapy for Perfectionism, Therapy for Anxiety, Cultural Identity Counseling, ADHD Therapy and Postpartum Counseling.   I see clients located in Colorado, New York and New Jersey. Contact me to learn more about how I can help you overcome anxiety and reclaim your life!