5 Tips for Overcoming Perfectionism
The other day, I was browsing for something to watch on Netflix and came across the highly-rated Martha Stewart documentary, “Martha”. I was familiar with the basics of her life story: feminist entrepreneur who fell from grace and has made a comeback in recent years. I typically enjoy a good documentary, biopic or memoir - learning about the little-known struggles that those in the public eye have faced fascinates me. I decided to give it a watch.
Throughout this documentary, one topic comes up again and again: perfectionism. She describes herself as a “maniacal perfectionist”, and attributes the fame and professional success she achieved to this trait. She feels that without it, she would not be the household name that she is today.
I can relate - I’ve also struggled with perfectionism throughout my life. I see it a lot in the clients I work with, too. And while it can certainly lead to the utmost levels of professional success, it often comes at a price: feeling constantly exhausted, burnt out and never feeling "enough”.
What is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism can be defined as holding yourself (and/or those around you) to very high standards - oftentimes the unattainably high standard of “perfect”. This is different from striving to do your best - to those who struggle with perfectionism, your best usually isn’t good enough. The concept of “perfect” is usually subjective, and can be a moving target. Striving for the perfect job, perfect partner, perfect body - who’s to say when you’ve reached it? How can you measure these things? Perfectionism is often rooted in the feeling of not being good enough, and desire to push yourself to work harder, try harder, exercise more, eat less, until you can achieve that feeling. The problem is, if you are making decisions from a place of feeling inadequate, no amount of working harder or doing more is going to make you feel good enough. And if it does, that feeling will be fleeting.
The Perfectionism and Anxiety Cycle
Perfectionism and anxiety are closely related. Anxiety can lead to perfectionism, and perfectionism can lead to anxiety. Let’s take a look at how this can work:
You set unreasonably high standards for yourself, worrying that if you don’t achieve them, you’ll be rejected by your boss, friends, or family. You feel a lot of pressure and anxiety to achieve these goals, but feel overwhelmed at how to do so. Maybe you procrastinate, leading to growing anxiety and fear around what will happen if you don’t succeed. You fixate on minor details, getting distracted from the big picture. But it feels easier to focus on these things than think about the rejection that you will face if you don’t achieve your goal. Then, one of two things can happen:
You achieve your goal and get tons of praise from everyone around you. This reinforces to you that your worth is tied to your achievements, and the more you achieve, the more others will like you. You bask in the glow of success for a little while, and eventually, the feelings of “not good enough” start to creep back in. You set a new goal for yourself and start the cycle over again.
You don’t achieve your goals because they were too high, unrealistic or overwhelming. You experience a deep sense of rejection, further contributing to feeling anxious, unworthy and alone. You set out on a new task, determined to prove yourself. The cycle starts over again
When Perfectionism Becomes Toxic
In both of the above scenarios, you end up stuck in a loop. There are no lasting feelings of worthiness or belonging that you achieve. You spend your days chasing one goal after another, hoping with each success you will “finally” be happy (we call this the hedonic treadmill). But the feelings of happiness, worthiness and fulfilment never last. Depression and anxiety start to creep in, and you find yourself less and less tethered to the reality that is your life, family and core values. Maybe you avoid trying a new hobby or getting a new job because you’re afraid of failure. Maybe some of your friendships start to fade as more and more of your energy becomes focused on achieving “success”. You start to wonder if being a “perfectionist” is really working for you anymore. But this way of thinking has been with you for so long, you can’t imagine a reality where that pressure isn’t there. It feels too scary.
5 Tips for Overcoming Perfectionism
The good news is, it is possible to overcome perfectionism and learn to go easier on yourself. You can find better work/life balance, make more space for joy and connection, and feel less fearful of failure. Here are 5 tips for overcoming perfectionism:
Learn to celebrate small successes
When you’re a perfectionist, it can feel like the stakes are always high, and nothing else matters if you don’t hit the big marks. But we spend so much more time in life on smaller daily challenges, like getting the kids to school on time, making time in your busy schedule to catch up with a friend, or finishing the book you’ve been slowly chipping away at. Our brain can sometimes discount these “wins” as unimportant, especially if it is in the habit of scanning for failures and imperfections. Being intentional about focusing on these daily successes can help gradually boost your self esteem and improve your mood. And the best part is, it’s sustainable - there is always something positive that we can focus on if we look hard enough.
2. Use positive affirmations
The perfectionist brain can excel at putting you down and making you feel not good enough. Because “perfect” is so hard to achieve, you spend much more time focusing on being im-perfect, which can feel like failure. Having positive statements that you use to talk back to your negative brain can be really helpful in shifting your mindset. Things like “I’m my best and that’s enough”, “progress is more important than perfection” and “I deserve to relax and have fun” can be good places to start.
3. Know your limits and set reasonable goals
You are a human being, you are only capable of so much, and there are only so many hours in the day. We all have limits. And outside of these things, we all have certain strengths and challenges that we face. It is ok to feel like it’s too much for you to do what you see others around you or influencers on social media doing. Whenever we see others achieving things that seem impossible, there is likely another side to the story: relationships that get sacrificed, mental health that is going down the drain, or physical health that is suffering. Pay attention to when you start to feel overwhelmed in your life and learn lessons from this. Use this information to set goals for yourself that are actually achievable. Break down bigger goals into smaller ones, and allow yourself to celebrate success with each achieved goal along the way.
4. Practice self-compassion
When you’re caught in a cycle of judging and putting yourself down, ask yourself, “Would I say these things to a friend? If not, why do I think it’s ok to talk to myself like this?” You deserve to show yourself the same compassion you show your friends and loved ones.
5. Focus on process over outcome
A focus on “perfect” can tend to emphasize the end result and minimize the hours, weeks or even years that you spend working towards a specific goal. That’s a lot of pressure to put on one moment! Focusing on the time that you put into an activity as opposed to just the outcome allows you to feel good about the effort you put in, no matter what your level of ultimate “success”. It also allows you to make time for activities that are joyful but do not have a clear end goal, like spending time in nature, watching a movie or spending quality time with your partner.
There is something innately human about wanting to put our best foot forward. Something that connects you, me and Martha. But when striving for your best turns into chasing the elusive “perfect”, seeing a therapist who specializes in perfectionism can be a crucial tool. You don’t have to deal with this crippling fear of failure alone. Consider reaching out for a free 15 minute consultation to explore if therapy for perfectionism is a good fit for you.
Other Services at Root to Rise Therapy:
Other mental health services at Root to Rise Therapy include Therapy for Anxiety, Therapy for Perfectionism, Therapy for People-Pleasing, Cultural Identity Counseling, ADHD Therapy and Postpartum Counseling. I see clients located in Colorado, New York and New Jersey. Contact me to learn more about how I can help you overcome anxiety and reclaim your life!
